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Idol Rumors - Part 1

4/21/2018

 
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​"If people wanted to hear the truth they wouldn't eat out."
                                                                                
-- The One Minute President
SENATOR CRUZ FINALLY CATCHES FIRE AFTER WEEK OF PRAISING TRUMP
Boston Cardinal O’Malley Mistakes Ghost of Kevin Spacey for Jesus Christ
​
Yossarian Universal News Service (YU News)
​Special Report / A Room With A Pew 
Washington, DC (YU) – Ted Cruz, the alien U.S. senator from the planet Volgon in the Chubb Group of Galaxies, was resting comfortably today after being flown by hot air balloon to the Jimmy Swaggart Memorial Hospital in Lubbock, Texas. Cruz required emergency medical treatment after spending several days fasting and praying for guidance in the Chihuahuan Desert on the Mexico border where temperatures reached 130 degrees in the shade.
Cruz, whose burned, blistered and dehydrated body remains unrecognizable to family, friends and a loyal cadre of Burning Man enthusiasts, claimed God instructed him to grow more scales and to continue reaching out to lizards, snakes and other reptiles. His recent praise of Donald Trump’s leadership in promoting the sanctity of nonconsensual sex was hailed by Republican colleagues as an indication that Cruz was positioning himself to run for president in 2068.     

In a related story, rumors that the senator was guilty of plagiarizing the word of God were laid to rest today when the heavily sedated Volgonite held a bedside press conference and produced a badly scorched contract that appeared to indicate he had hired a burning bush to be his chief speechwriter. Mumbling his words carefully, Cruz explained: “I have no moral, legal or interstellar obligation to attribute any quotes to God since God is now working for me.” 

Cruz’s unorthodox arrangement with an alleged deity linked to the disappearance of reputed landfill owner Jimmy Hoffa and the entire continent of Atlantis, has helped explain the unusual number of electrical storms that have materialized with alarming regularity directly over his house in Houston—many of which have gutted several rooms in his three-story mansion and started hundreds of small fires in the homes of many of his neighbors. Reports of plagues of blood, frogs, boils, locusts and darkness descending on large areas throughout the Southwest have been unconfirmed. 

In an unrelated story, Roman Catholic Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Archdiocese of Boston, who  announced his intention earlier this month to keep talking without listening and keep believing his own press, is recovering from a serious head wound he suffered yesterday after praying too hard to the wrong God. Earlier in the day, Father Lankester Merrin, the Cardinal’s secretary and loyal Facebook friend who heads the Pontifical Commission for the Obfuscation of the Faith, met with reporters outside the archdiocese’s fortified bunker in Braintree, Mass., and read a brief, prepared statement: “The Cardinal erroneously believed he was offering prayers to the one true God, Yahweh, when, in fact, he was praying to the seventh true God, a Chinese fire monkey that bears a resemblance to Kevin Spacey, which, as everyone knows, is a common mistake.”

When pressed by reporters, Father Merrin refused to confirm or deny reports that Senator Cruz had actively sought to hire Cardinal O’Malley as his official exorcist and quickly referred the matter to Max von Sydow, the eighty-nine year old Swedish actor who recently signed a contract to appear in public as himself. When questioned further, Father Merrin tapped the side of his nose before throwing down a smoke bomb and dropping through a trapdoor in the floor. 

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sean
4/22/2018 07:39:21 pm

FAIL TO SEE HOW THIS PARODY EVEN RELATED TO CLERGY SEXUAL ABUSE

Paul Fericano
4/22/2018 08:25:57 pm

Really. What about how it relates to the healing process?

Jim O'Hara
4/23/2018 12:53:29 pm

Hi, Paul, Good to hear from you and I hope you are well, what with all the bad stuff going around. In other news, Cardinal Dolan says the Democrats are not Catholics' friends any more, failing to offer fair and balanced critique of Republicans (how do you balance deficient vs. abominable?)

Paul Fericano
4/23/2018 01:45:07 pm

Thanks, Jim. A correct balance is struck when we refuse to accept any of this as normal. Dolan is definitely on my list.

Art Beck
4/23/2018 01:17:50 pm

The cardinal should rightly beware of Senator Cruz. In the immortal words of St. Stephen Daedalus (or was it Buck Mulligan?)- one doesn't go to all the trouble involved in leaving "the one, true, holy, apostolic Church just to become a Protestant." Or something like that.

Paul Fericano
4/23/2018 01:54:06 pm

True enough, Art. And lest we forget, it was Blessed Stephen Daedalus who once remarked: "History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.”

Art Beck
4/24/2018 02:21:18 pm

And ain't we for sure living in history this last couple of years?

Paul Fericano
4/24/2018 02:35:01 pm

Amen, brother.
Or, as the late Michael Jackson put it: "So beat it."

Steve link
7/23/2018 06:07:13 pm

You state your blog is about healing. Your character assassinations, and condemnation has only fueled your anger, and the anger of others. Revenge never leads to healing. Mismanaged anger never leads to healing. I worked in Mental Health for 40 years, I can say without question that abuse victims will only find healing through Justice, not revenge. Your blog sadly provides only one necessary requirement of actual justice. (Your list where professional help can be found).

I am proud to be a parishioner at SSJ for more than 45 years. I believe in the laws and justice of Jesus. All Pastors have flaws, because they are human. All churches have problems because they are managed by flawed humans. I am sorry for your abuse but healing and Justice are not found in the flawed, misguided motives of your blog. I will pray for you. I hope you to put this comment on your blog but I don't think you care about anyone else's point of view. I invite you to come and find Jesus by witnessing an SSJ Mass if you want to know what is really going on.


Comments are closed.

    Author

    A Room With A Pew is a thought-provoking column on clergy abuse and the healing process. Its content reflects the observations, opinions and experiences of Paul Fericano, a former student who attended Saint Anthony’s Seminary in Santa Barbara in the sixties, and a survivor of clergy sexual abuse. Fericano co-founded SafeNet in 2003, and returned to Santa Barbara that same year to assist the community in recovery. As a poet, satirist and author, he is actively engaged in advocacy, social justice and reconciliation efforts. He supports and encourages those who have been harmed by the Catholic church to explore the healing process, pursue justice with compassion, and to reclaim their past. He is the editor and co-founder of Yossarian Universal News Service (YU News Service), the nation's first parody news syndicate established in 1980. His spiritual practice includes challenging himself to look for humor in the shadows.

    Archives 
    A Room With A Pew
    Memories of Better Days Persist
    Many St. Anthony's students have contacted me, and one asked about the barbershop, where he had sought refuge one day after his offender beat him. Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    TUES., APRIL 1, 2014
    ---
    No Matter How High the Hedge Grows
    The Solidarity Project memorial for clergy abuse survivors at Mission Santa Barbara was vandalized for a second time by a person employed by the Franciscans.
     Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    WED., MARCH 5, 2014
    ---
    Mario (Walter) Cimmarrusti, OFM: 1931 - 2013
    The Worst of What We Lived
    My offender, a notorious Catholic priest and Franciscan friar who abused many boys at St. Anthony's Seminary, died on November 23, 2013. 
    Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    THURS., FEBRUARY 13, 2014
    ---
    The Roots of Pastoral Response
    Pastoral response is the kind of outreach by the church that is absolutely essential to the healing process.
    Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    WED., FEBRUARY 5, 2014
    ---
    Looking for Francis in the Franciscans
    Among survivors of clergy abuse, what puzzles, angers, and disappoints many is the shortage of moral courage among the friars in general. 
    Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    WED., JANUARY 8, 2014
    ---
    From Survival to Forgiveness
    In 1965 when I was 14 I was sexually abused at St. Anthony’s, a Catholic minor seminary in Santa Barbara operated by the Franciscan religious order. 
    Read story.
    by PAUL FERICANO
    THURS., DECEMBER 5, 2013

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