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SENATOR CRUZ FINALLY CATCHES FIRE AFTER WEEK OF PRAISING TRUMP
Boston Cardinal O’Malley Mistakes Ghost of Kevin Spacey for Jesus Christ
Yossarian Universal News Service (YU News)
Special Report / A Room With A Pew
Boston Cardinal O’Malley Mistakes Ghost of Kevin Spacey for Jesus Christ
Yossarian Universal News Service (YU News)
Special Report / A Room With A Pew
Washington, DC (YU) – Ted Cruz, the alien U.S. senator from the planet Volgon in the Chubb Group of Galaxies, was resting comfortably today after being flown by hot air balloon to the Jimmy Swaggart Memorial Hospital in Lubbock, Texas. Cruz required emergency medical treatment after spending several days fasting and praying for guidance in the Chihuahuan Desert on the Mexico border where temperatures reached 130 degrees in the shade.
Cruz, whose burned, blistered and dehydrated body remains unrecognizable to family, friends and a loyal cadre of Burning Man enthusiasts, claimed God instructed him to grow more scales and to continue reaching out to lizards, snakes and other reptiles. His recent praise of Donald Trump’s leadership in promoting the sanctity of nonconsensual sex was hailed by Republican colleagues as an indication that Cruz was positioning himself to run for president in 2068.
In a related story, rumors that the senator was guilty of plagiarizing the word of God were laid to rest today when the heavily sedated Volgonite held a bedside press conference and produced a badly scorched contract that appeared to indicate he had hired a burning bush to be his chief speechwriter. Mumbling his words carefully, Cruz explained: “I have no moral, legal or interstellar obligation to attribute any quotes to God since God is now working for me.”
Cruz’s unorthodox arrangement with an alleged deity linked to the disappearance of reputed landfill owner Jimmy Hoffa and the entire continent of Atlantis, has helped explain the unusual number of electrical storms that have materialized with alarming regularity directly over his house in Houston—many of which have gutted several rooms in his three-story mansion and started hundreds of small fires in the homes of many of his neighbors. Reports of plagues of blood, frogs, boils, locusts and darkness descending on large areas throughout the Southwest have been unconfirmed.
In an unrelated story, Roman Catholic Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Archdiocese of Boston, who announced his intention earlier this month to keep talking without listening and keep believing his own press, is recovering from a serious head wound he suffered yesterday after praying too hard to the wrong God. Earlier in the day, Father Lankester Merrin, the Cardinal’s secretary and loyal Facebook friend who heads the Pontifical Commission for the Obfuscation of the Faith, met with reporters outside the archdiocese’s fortified bunker in Braintree, Mass., and read a brief, prepared statement: “The Cardinal erroneously believed he was offering prayers to the one true God, Yahweh, when, in fact, he was praying to the seventh true God, a Chinese fire monkey that bears a resemblance to Kevin Spacey, which, as everyone knows, is a common mistake.”
When pressed by reporters, Father Merrin refused to confirm or deny reports that Senator Cruz had actively sought to hire Cardinal O’Malley as his official exorcist and quickly referred the matter to Max von Sydow, the eighty-nine year old Swedish actor who recently signed a contract to appear in public as himself. When questioned further, Father Merrin tapped the side of his nose before throwing down a smoke bomb and dropping through a trapdoor in the floor.
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In a related story, rumors that the senator was guilty of plagiarizing the word of God were laid to rest today when the heavily sedated Volgonite held a bedside press conference and produced a badly scorched contract that appeared to indicate he had hired a burning bush to be his chief speechwriter. Mumbling his words carefully, Cruz explained: “I have no moral, legal or interstellar obligation to attribute any quotes to God since God is now working for me.”
Cruz’s unorthodox arrangement with an alleged deity linked to the disappearance of reputed landfill owner Jimmy Hoffa and the entire continent of Atlantis, has helped explain the unusual number of electrical storms that have materialized with alarming regularity directly over his house in Houston—many of which have gutted several rooms in his three-story mansion and started hundreds of small fires in the homes of many of his neighbors. Reports of plagues of blood, frogs, boils, locusts and darkness descending on large areas throughout the Southwest have been unconfirmed.
In an unrelated story, Roman Catholic Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Archdiocese of Boston, who announced his intention earlier this month to keep talking without listening and keep believing his own press, is recovering from a serious head wound he suffered yesterday after praying too hard to the wrong God. Earlier in the day, Father Lankester Merrin, the Cardinal’s secretary and loyal Facebook friend who heads the Pontifical Commission for the Obfuscation of the Faith, met with reporters outside the archdiocese’s fortified bunker in Braintree, Mass., and read a brief, prepared statement: “The Cardinal erroneously believed he was offering prayers to the one true God, Yahweh, when, in fact, he was praying to the seventh true God, a Chinese fire monkey that bears a resemblance to Kevin Spacey, which, as everyone knows, is a common mistake.”
When pressed by reporters, Father Merrin refused to confirm or deny reports that Senator Cruz had actively sought to hire Cardinal O’Malley as his official exorcist and quickly referred the matter to Max von Sydow, the eighty-nine year old Swedish actor who recently signed a contract to appear in public as himself. When questioned further, Father Merrin tapped the side of his nose before throwing down a smoke bomb and dropping through a trapdoor in the floor.
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